meet déborah

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I’m Brazilian from Rio de Janeiro, and I grew up there. I spent most years of my life in Rio. The first time I left the city was to go to the south of Brazil, which, let’s say is more European and afterwards, went back to Rio again. And then England and now Barcelona.

I lived for nine months in London. I was fascinated to come to Europe and to be in England. It’s probably a lot of influence from TV, since you have so many English references from the US and England. Also, I’m a graphic designer and then I wanted to study some fashion. England was very expensive, for me was totally outside my reality. I studied at Central Saint Martins, but very briefly, for 5 days. It was a Christmas fast course, but so nice I was like ’I’m so happy to be here’.
And then I moved to Barcelona and I was starting my immigrant life here. And I didn’t know what I would have to do with my feelings, like leaving Brazil was okay, I knew it won’t be that easy, but here I could actually face what would be hard for me. But when I finally got used, it was good. We say in Brazil this expression ‘killing a lion per day’ is when you have to struggle with things all the time and I think problems sort of connect people as well.

Photo by Eleni Elen

Starting in Brazil I think I cannot really complain about the way people saw me about my appearance. Even if we live in a sort of hidden apartheid there. I cannot complain that I suffered some specific horrible racist moments but I probably had some situation even if maybe I was hyper sexualized at some point. Well, which I definitely was in Brazil. In Brazil, we have more these moments where people think ‘oh, but you would look so nice with straight hair’. Everything is about trying to make yourself more white. And going to London was like, people wanted to touch my hair, which in the beginning was ‘wow, but my hair was never important’. But also this feeling changed because I started to feel like a pet and was like I don’t want people touching my hair. And it can be very creepy too. But I also try to not take everything black and white because in the end of the day, it would be very stressful for me as well. And if someone wants to touch my hair and asking before, because they find it beautiful, then why not, you know, if you had your whole life living with white people and you are actually not used to see someone mixed like me? Yeah, maybe I would do the same. And this is not the end of the word.

And also about my appearance, I have psoriasis. When I have huge crisis, which is connected with stress, I can feel very low profile can I say? So if I have it, it’s my whole body and I have different moments in my life I will maybe be more closed and not go out that much. Or change my clothes and change my way to purchase, and even if I’m not in a crisis, sometimes I think ‘oh, maybe I should buy this clothes for when I’m in a crisis’. Because I know there will be a day when I will have psoriasis.

I try to hide it. Because it’s impossible to get used. Especially because most people don’t know it. And some of them think they are going to get it if they touch me. Or they just don’t know and they are ‘oh my god, what is it? ‘ and doing that horrible face like ‘oh my god, poor you.’ And then I have to explain all the time, and it’s very tiring.

It looks like eczema and looks like this mycosis that you can get in the swimming pool which makes some people scared. And I have to say all the time ‘I did many tests, it’s a genetic thing etc..’

Photo by Eleni Elen

First I had it when I was six years old, which was very weird because the doctor said it was a disease of young adults stressed with work and he never saw it appear in a kid so young, but there are cases of kids with psoriasis. But yeah, it’s not something common. The first time was horrible. Because the first time it was in my eye. And we couldn’t really understand what that was. And then it appeared here on the elbow.

And you know, when you are growing up, and it comes stronger, and stronger, and we were like, me and my family, but there’s nothing to cure it. I was very scared to get my whole body and someday it never going away. But also, sometime, I would have like, 0% of psoriasis and I think ‘maybe it’s gone, oh, my god, this is so good’. And then it would appear again, I would feel so frustrated. It could give me a lot of ups and downs.

In my case it’s just a visual thing, but it can be very aggressive in some cases. I guess some people can even have it in their bones. And some people can have it so strong in the body, especially if they use some medicine that get your body addicted and, you know, your body asks for it and it comes worse. They have a lot of pain depends on the crisis; they cannot get up from bed, which was also my worst fear. And still is because I cannot say it would never happen to me. But it’s not worth focusing on it. 

I think I was more bullied by myself. No one was harder to me then than me.

It’s a long journey and I cannot say like, I feel better nowadays than when I was a teenager or maybe probably more than when I was a kid because it was very depressing when I was a kid. Nowadays I just get sad sometimes. But it’s everyday you know, tomorrow, I don’t know how I’m going to do with it. Maybe today I’m okay. And tomorrow will be a bit difficult. It really depends on the mood and things you want to do. Because some days I’ll be prepared to have people looking like staring, other days I’ll be too sensitive and just to think about people doing it I will give up of something and won’t do what I wanted.
Maybe about using a dress or going to the beach or dating. It really depends. Sometimes it goes so low that it’s like I cannot go anymore for that just from here. I can just get better.

We see our bodies, our colours, we have things that make us exclusive, you know, because we have these things that are not really nice.

Everyone is suffering and trying to adapt to something unreal. People say that Instagram is not helping at all this. But I don’t know, maybe the good way when you show, you know, standards, model bodies, about the weight or the age, the skin texture?

I think we can make people feel better, but really depends of what is the intention. If you show these standard, slim, super tall white women you show it’s classic, and it will sell. And if we change these stereotypes, or just don’t have stereotypes will be better for everyone.

Photo by Eleni Elen

buy Ivermectin 3 mg When do you feel most beautiful?

Interesting question. It depends, sometimes I feel beautiful when I’m totally natural and sometimes when I’m totally different as well I don’t look like myself. Like I don’t know straightening my hair. Using clothes that are not really my style, being inspired by someone else. This also somehow gives me some empowerment. Yes, hard to understand what makes me feel beautiful. But because of psoriasis, I feel my best version when I’m not in a crisis. It’s impossible to not be like that. But sometimes I can be in a crisis and feel very good too. My feelings about it are not very linear.

I think it’s the end this side of our brain that does this out of sabotage. Which also can be a good thing, auto sabotage, I guess. So we can move and change what is wrong, but we can get very, very deep on it if we are insecure about our appearance or anything.

Maybe that’s the word: accepting. Maybe I feel my best version when I accept what I have for that day.

Now it’s so important to make what we want in the future, even not knowing if we are good and being true to ourselves. There is no other way than achieving good things. Not saying better. Oh, life will be better, but no waiting for the right way with what we believe in. The future will be too, because it’s what we are planting.

I’m trying to live day by day. As well, like, I don’t have a huge idea of what I want to achieve in the future. Also, because I’ve been through so many things in this move, like coming from Brazil to Europe. We have some fantasies as well, let’s say like, everything will be better just because it’s a different country and reality comes and shows that everything is with us was not about the place. Some things can be different. We have good surprises as well, but so many things that we are trying to run they are all here with us.  With our history, with our perceptions we had. So I’m trying maybe now finally get more spiritual and read more about the unknown. I don’t see myself being religious, but I do need to care about this as well as like, we have to be mentally healthy with our brain with our body. But also not like just oh, I don’t believe in anything about spirituality. Maybe everything is bullshit, but as human beings. I feel everyday more than we do need to dedicate some time some effort to this part. Because for me, it does exist. And I’m trying to find my way. With no big pressure.

Maybe we get too attached to this feeling when we move countries, that we have to do everything so big all the time, and no, we have done and maybe we will do something huge again, but that doesn’t have to be that, it costs so much anxiety. Also, now it’s like what’s the next city, or I am going to do some huge social work, that is such a beautiful thing for society, but I try to think that I need to be good with myself first, and things will happen naturally, I don’t need to be in so much of control. Maybe I don’t know exactly now what I want to do tomorrow but because I am following my heart, not emotions but what I believe, I will have this response at some point. 

Photo by Eleni Elen

proprietorially What does freedom mean to you?

Follow what we believe. And be accordance with it. Do what you think is needed for that moment. We could say, move geographically but we can also not moving and be locked, falling into patterns like what society expects of you. Yeah I think it’s follow your own guidelines.

Pickerington How an ideal world looks for you?

I would imagine more balance. People being less violent, less selfish, I am not going to get too much into behaviour, but more social and economical balance, less poor people and less rich people, power that is shared so we can feel more equal and maybe nothing too amazing to anyone but also people not starving. Like I don’t want to be this person that has everything exclusive, so that no one is hungry, or suffering or domestic violence because of lack of education or culture affected by wars. And it would involve more balance about being free to live anywhere which means nowadays we feel like we have to live in big cities, because that’s where we will find jobs and this is not freedom. People should be able to live in the countryside if they want, or we should be able to make cities that are half way like middle size, where they are not too cosmopolitan, but also not too small. This would also make the planet so much less polluted and better, if we wouldn’t have people so concentrated in this huge capitalism. And we don’t have to be like robots, and still have some nature around. No one needing to work so hard but having peace and living with neighbours and some security. I would like to believe in that.

Photo by Eleni Elen